Shelley Duncan has the Good Mace

Let's go through the lineup of amusing moments in this one.

[Obligatory Jays content: Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold. We don't need any. It's friggin' Shelley Duncan.]

1) "What you saw today was the definition of a dirty play."

Leading off, Joe Maddon and his happy disregard for that nutjob in my philosophy class who constantly reminds us of Socrates' distinction between "example" and "definition."

2) Batting second: Pain.

3) Batting third, Elliot Johnson. He's "not changing his style" of...breaking the rule against fraternizing with opposing players? Will he talk to any of the Yankees? "Only if I get on base."

4) At cleanup, Brittany Ghiroli's Hilarious Veiled Innuendo. Let me replace one word with a blank and see how the meaning of the story changes. The Rays have "given Johnson a long, hard ____ in Spring Training, especially with utility infielder Ben Zobrist out with a fractured thumb." Johnson again: "if you get lucky enough, you might just slide in somewhere." Maddon: "this guy is very gifted, you can see that."

5) Here it's Duncan himself, hoping everyone forgets that he didn't play in 128 of New York's games last year: "I never in my mind think about sending a message to the other team. They see me playing hard every single day."

6) Batting sixth, Joe Maddon's and Joe Girardi's Shared Anger: "There's no room for that in our game. It's contemptible, it's wrong, it's borderline criminal." / "I think it's uncalled for. It's Spring Training. I'm all for playing hard, but I don't think it's the time when you run over a catcher in Spring Training."

7) Batting sixth, Joe Maddon's and Joe Girardi's Shared Appreciation Of Hard-Nosed Plays: "We're playing it hard, we're playing it right. It was a bang-bang play at the plate. I couldn't tell exactly where the catcher was in regard to the plate. He was trying to score a run right there, and that was part of the game." / "Shelley told me he was taught as a player that when you're going to be out, you go after the ball. That's what he did."

8) Next up, MLB's Ongoing Insistence That Every Tampa Bay Incident Is, Like, Really Serious: "Both benches had already been warned by umpires before the game, given events on Saturday at Legends Field in Tampa, Fla., when Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli suffered a broken right wrist in a home-plate collision." Goddamnit, if there's one thing I won't stand for, it's injuries to Francisco Cervelli.

And finally, batting ninth as always, Jonny Johnson Gomes:

9) "Right fielder Jonny Gomes charged Duncan from behind" / Gomes: "It's baseball. This isn't boxing or fighting or anything." No matter how much he desperately wishes it were.