Hall(aday) of Names: Bloody your hands on a cactus tree

These players provide a strange mix between those we kinda miss and those whose dresses we wouldn't want sent to us, wet or dry. Cat, Cerutti, Clark, Coats, and Chulk fall into the first category. You know who's in the second.

Team C's a little short on infielders: Cairo's the only one playing at a familiar position unless you count Catalanotto. I kept Jose Canseco out of the lineup for obvious reasons but he could replace Carty. The rotation's excellent and the bullpen is decent. A 24-man team, too.

LINEUP
1B Frank Catalanotto
LF Jose Canseco
RF Joe Carter
CF Jose Cruz
3B Felipe Crespo
2B Miguel Cairo
C Kevin Cash
SS Howie Clark

BENCH
C Alberto Castillo
OF Willie Canate
OF Sil Campusano
OF Rico Carty
UT Buck Coats

ROTATION
RHSP Jim Clancy
RHSP Roger Clemens
RHSP David Cone
RHSP Chris Carpenter

BULLPEN
RHRP Tim Crabtree
LHRP Tony Castillo
RHRP Danny Cox
RHRP Vinnie Chulk
LHRP John Cerutti
LHRP Jesse Carlson

Hall(aday) of Names: People of the silent movies, kiss of the twilight cry

The B-Squad is a little better than the As (it has a bench!). Bullpen sucks, starters are okay, but I like the lineup. It was tempting to continue The Hives' lyrics, but this song's title should be an update on "Spahn and Sain" given the state of the pitching staff.

LINEUP
1B Jeff Burroughs
2B Homer Bush
RF Jesse Barfield
LF George Bell
SS Mike Bordick
3B Tony Batista
C Pat Borders
CF Bob Bailor

BENCH
C Rod Barajas
C Kevin L. Brown
IF Casey Blake
OF Rob Butler
OF Rick Bosetti
UT Dave Berg

ROTATION
RHSP David Bush
RHSP A.J. Burnett
LHSP Bud Black

BULLPEN
RHRP Tom Buskey
RHRP Brian Bowles
LHRP Denis Boucher
RHRP Miguel Batista, far away from high-leverage situations

Hall(aday) of Names: Exhibit A, on the tray, what you say?

It's an off-day, so we'll start the Alpha Jays series. Aside from Robbie, this defence will certainly throw the ball in your face, or at least nowhere near your glove.

LINEUP
2B Roberto Alomar
C Alan Ashby
1B Willie Aikens
RF Doug Ault
LF Butch Alberts
CF Russ Adams
3B Gary Allenson
SS Edgardo Alfonzo

ROTATION
RHSP Doyle Alexander
RHSP Luis Andujar
LHSP Clayton Andrews

BULLPEN
RHRP Jeremy Accardo
RHRP Juan Acevedo
RHRP Jim Acker
RHRP Terry Adams
RHRP Carlos Almanzar

Yeah, so that defence is awful, but it's the best option. Could Alberts could play the outfield? Let's hope every single batted ball is hit quickly enough to second base so that Alomar can run it over to first himself (or he has time to give a really soft toss to Aikens). Alfonzo might deserve to be higher, but not after 2006.

This team helpfully introduces the extreme case of the defensive positioning rules. A player is first used at his regular Toronto position (e.g., Alomar), then irregular Toronto position (Aikens), then any other positions with other teams (Alfonzo), then wherever the hell we need him (Thrillhouse). There's no bench, just these nine guys.

And the rotation! Sure, there's Doyle, but the Game 3 starter is Private Andrews. And if anyone can't go on short rest, Terry "Bridgekeeper" / "Patch" / "Back End" / "Whatever Else We Came Up With Back When Signing Him Sounded Like A Good Idea" Adams gets the ball.

The A-Team this ain't. Any ways to improve?

Hall(aday) of Names: Initial Reactions

It's easier to put these together than it was for Mick to do them for all of baseball because it takes less time. It's harder, however, because there are some letters that just wouldn't cooperate. We'll start our journey through the all-time Alpha Jays teams with the incomplete squads, as a teaser for what's to come:


TEAM E

C Bobby Estalella
3B Tom Evans
SS David Eckstein
LF Jim Eppard
RF Sam Ewing

RHSP Kelvim Escobar
RHSP Nino Espinosa

RHRP Mark Eichhorn
LHRP Scott Eyre
RHRP Leo Estrella
RHRP Butch Edge

The alphabetically-first of our incomplete squads.


TEAM I

1B Garth Iorg
2B Alexis Infante
SS Cesar Izturis
3B Joe Inglett

We have infielders, but nothing else. Good fit for the I team.


Team N

C Steve Nicosia
SS Tim Nordbrook
LF Wayne Nordhagen
CF Otis Nixon
LHSP Phil Niekro
RHRP Jose Nunez
RHRP Mike Nakamura

If Niekro's knuckler is really nasty...no, never mind.


Team O

C Charlie O'Brien
1B Lyle Overbay, John Olerud
SS Rey Olmedo
3B Willie Otanez
CF Al Oliver

If it mattered, we could conceivably move one of L'Overbay and Olderdude to the outfield, but it doesn't so we won't.


TEAM Q

C Guillermo Quiroz
RHRP Paul Quantrill

Paging Eddie Feigner...


TEAM U

1B Willie Upshaw
LHSP Tom Underwood

At least the pickoffs will work.


TEAM V

C Ozzie Virgil
2B Jorge Velandia
RF Otto Velez
LHSP Frank Viola
RHSP Pete Vukovich
LHRP Ben Van Ryn

Man.


TEAM Z

C Gregg Zaun
SS Eddie Zosky

No comment needed.


--

That leaves us with 14 letters that can field a short series roster: A, B, C, D, F, G, H, K, L, M, P, R, S, W. I suspect the lineup will be quite good for the B team...

Hall(aday) of Names: Not A Long Time

(As always, a hat-tip to Mick Doherty.)

One look at the roster and you'll understand the concept of this team. Roger Clemens and Raul Mondesi don't qualify, which is super. Most of these players posted mediocre seasons, which makes sense--if they were any good, they'd probably stick around for a second year.

Special consideration is given to those players who had an impact on the Blue Jays beyond one year, either in trades (yeah, Ted Lilly was okay), useless milestones (but Jeff Frye still wasn't good enough), or amusing terminology (Mr. Michalak, the floor is yours). However, a player's non-Toronto career is generally not considered, so Jeff Kent is simply an average rookie instead of a guy with 365 homers.

Guys like Jesse Litsch aren't eligible for obvious reasons, but Victor Zambrano and Tomo Ohka are. Not that they made the team anyway.

It doesn't matter if it's a rainy city, because there's a retractable roof over the head of the...

GOOD TIMERS

Manager: Tim Johnson (of course)

LINEUP
RF Ron Fairly '77
1B David Segui '98
CF Bobby Kielty '03
LF Jose Canseco '98
DH Dave Winfield '92
2B Pat Kelly '99
C Bengie Molina '06
3B Corey Koskie '05
SS Chris Gomez '04

BENCH
C Todd Greene '00
IF Mike Stanley '98
IF Jeff Kent '92
OF Dave Martinez '00
OF Rickey Henderson '93

ROTATION
SP Tim Candiotti '91
SP Frank Castillo '00
SP Chris Michalak '01
SP Corey Lidle '03
SP Tom Filer '85

BULLPEN
RP Randy Myers '98
RP Trever Miller '03
RP Victor Cruz '78
RP Randy Moffitt '83
RP Omar Daal '97
RP Edwin Hurtado '95

Note: I found these players by manual search because it's more fun, and because I was rewarded after that Frye-Michalak-Latham-Cordova rut with the greatness of Dave Martinez.